The good news is that we have a beautiful baby boy named John Able Payne.
The bad news we found out Tuesday at the ultrasound was that sometime before, our baby's heart had stopped beating. Then we were told that because I was so far along I would have to go deliver the baby just like he was full-term. It was a surreal experience to go and deliver our tiny little boy that had passed away in the same labor/delivery rooms where I have delivered all six of our other children, strange to go through the same process only to lose our little guy.
But the good news is two-fold. The first is that every one around us in a very bad situation was wonderful, angelic even. Starting at the ultrasound lady, to my doctor, to our stake president that we counseled with, to the nurses, grieving counselor, anesthesiologist all at the hospital, and lastly, our extended family and ward members. We felt loved, cared for and cushioned from the fall.
Secondly, the good news is the "Good News" of the gospel. We are an eternal family. We will have our baby John in the eternities. We will come to know the personality behind that sweet little face, fingers and toes. We will hold his living body someday and it will be sweet indeed. All will be restored through the atonement of Jesus Christ as we strive to keep our covenants.
Tomorrow we are laying our little one in the ground. I never thought I would have a baby in the cemetery. Who does? But I know through the strength of the Spirit that we will get through. The Lord will heal our broken hearts and we will see baby John again. Until then, I will appreciate my other six children a bit more and be grateful that I have such a loving, supportive husband. Good news will win out, even if the bad news seems to dominate for a little while.
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10 comments:
Tara, my prayers have been with you and your family since I found out about little John. I admire your stength and know that God does indeed love each of us individually. What a blessing the gospel is to know he will be yours in the eternities. Please let me know if there is something I can do.
Tara,
If there is anyone who knows what you are going through it is me. I lost a baby boy who had died when I delivered at 18 weeks. I have lost my sweet baby Katie who lived with us on earth for four months. I know of your pain, your sorrow, and the sweet blessings of the gospel. You are in my prayers.
Natalie
Oh Tara, what can I say that you haven't already said? I am so sorry, but strengthened by your faith. Know that I am here for you and mourning with and for you-I've got tears streaming down my cheeks right now!
Tara, I am so sorry that you, John and your children have to go through this experience. I am truly inspired by your faith. Our prayers are with you guys.
Love, Sarah
Tara, I'm saddened to read that you lost your baby. I know this is a hard time for you. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
Tara-You and John are such great examples to all of us. I'm so sorry for your loss. You have such an amazing attitude and I know the Lord will bless you for it. You are in our prayers.
Tara and John,
It is so comforting to have the gospel in our lives and to know His plan. I am thinking of you.
Our Jenny went through the same thing a year ago this month. Whether it's your first or your
10th it is still hard.
We love your family:)
Tara -
I just read this. I know, I'm a little slow. It was an absolutely beautiful message. I'm sure your little boy is beautiful, and I know that you will enjoy raising him someday.
Tara--Im so sorry to hear about your loss. As everyone has said, you are an amazing lady and you have so much faith! Our prayers are with you!!!
Oh Tara. I just read this. My heart is breaking for you and your family. You are definitely right about the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. How grateful I am for that knowledge. You are in our prayers as you continue healing.
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