Drowning in my own ambition: New Year's Resolutions 2009

I've always been up for a challenge good or bad. When I was 7 or 8, I talked my parents into letting me go swimming with my best friend and his family. We were at Lagoon for Stake Lagoon Day and this was when Lagoon just had a pool instead of a fancy water park. Usually my parents didn't go swimming, but in a lull after lunch, my friend's family invited me to go with them. I must have been ready with my swimming suit just in case, I don't remember. Anyway, my best friend Brandon and I went to the pool with his dad.

We played in the shallow end for a while, but after a little bit, tag must have gotten old. We started to watch people jump off the diving boards at the other end of the pool. That looked like a lot of fun. And it looked a little scary even, a little dangerous. That water was really deep: 10 feet was twice my height or more. Brandon decided we had to try it. I didn't say too much. I usually let Brandon take the lead. He jumped out of the pool and started to walk in the direction of the diving board. There wasn't too long of a line.

“Come on, Tara!” He yelled behind him. “Let's go! It will be really fun!”

I jumped out too and started to follow.

“Where you going there guys?” Brandon's dad yelled as he strode toward us.

“We're going to jump off the low board, Dad. We're big enough!”

Brandon's dad looked at me. “Are you OK with this Tara? You don't have to if you don't want to.”

In that moment I'm not sure what I was thinking. I remember being scared, looking at my friend and not wanting him to think I was a wimp. I remember thinking to myself, “It can't be that bad. Just try it.” Maybe I was just too dumb to say no, too scared. I don't know, but what I did was say, “Yea, it's OK, Br. Christensen.”

“OK, but I'll be right here if you need me.”

With that Brandon took off, obviously ignoring the NO Running rules. I followed a little slower. My stomach was in knots but I was going to see it through.

We got to the line and I watched Brandon move forward as person after person jumped. Finally it was his turn. I could tell he was a little scared, but he bravely walked forward and jumped. He sunk like a rock but after 2 or 3 seconds he came back to the top, yelling and shouting, obviously excited that he had conquered the diving board.

It was my turn. There was no turning back. I slowly walked down the board. I stood at the end for a long time. Long enough that Brandon started shouting at me, “Just jump, Tara! It's really fun. Just jump!”

I know what I thought in that instance, I was going to die, but there was no turning back. It was too late. I jumped.

I sunk down into the greenish water. Everything was distorted underneath the surface. My arms and legs flailed but to no use. I continued to sink. Water flooded my lungs as I gasped for air and tried to scream. I stayed at the bottom. Suddenly there was a loud noise to the side of me and Brandon's dad grabbed me and tugged me to the surface. “Tara,” he screamed, “Why didn't you say you couldn't swim? You could have drown.” I coughed and sputtered but I didn't say anything. I didn't know. I knew I couldn't swim, but the challenge of the thing had overpowered my good sense.

Sometimes that is how resolutions feel to me. However, I also know me. Although I couldn't swim when I was 8, I have found, since then, that I do better when just a little overwhelmed. One semester at school I took 20 credits and worked part time. That was a lot. But that was one of the semesters that I got all A's. It wasn't fun but it was probably good for me. I didn't have time to be stressed: I just had time to keep going. On the other hand, one semester I decided to cut back and only took about12 or 13 credits. It was the worst semester of my college career. I had too much time, so much time to pursue other things that I forgot to do my school work. So when I make resolutions I like to make goals that are a little hard but challenge me. So here are a few of mine for the year:

Read 100 books this year (a little ambitious, may need to include picture books that I read to my girls)

Index 10,000 names (I think I did this last year and I really didn't index half the year)

Finish my 200 projects by August 15 (I'm at about 55)

Complete the $200 DMBA health challenge

Post on my blog once a week (This post qualifies for this week. Success!)

Write in my journal at least 5 days a week

Finish reading the Book of Mormon by February

Get A's on all the beginning level songs on DDR

Make bags and organize our toys

And the hardest of all, try to be nice to my kids and have fun with them (hard to quantify I guess).

Even if I don't accomplish my goals at least I'll learn a lot trying. The one thing almost drowning taught me was that I definitely needed to learn to swim, and I did.